Ok, so we have always had our ups and downs, but at this point, after roughly 3 years of an overly solid and loving relationship, she wanted out. Originally it was anger over a recent trip I took to a strip club, but I feel like there may be more behind those feelings.
So after our first fight/breakup for a single evening I went to a strip club, and walked out on the stripper... I just couldn't be there and feel good about myself, so I drove the 5 hour trip to go see my love and try to make things right. I did promise her that I would never spend that much money or be that stupid again, and she was very understanding and compassionate. Unfortunately, I went to a strip joint this past Saturday, just on a whim, no hookups or kissing or sex, just going into the club to check it out, and she got extremely pissed.
She has gotten really mad, and has said things that are definitely in anger, but still hurt just the same. She doesnt want to be with someone that she doesnt trust, and she wants me to accept the breakup. Even my religious parents agree with me about my honesty (I told her where I went and was honest) and the fact that its a strip club, its not like I hooked up with another woman.
So yeah, I looked on numerous web sites and they all tend to say the same thing: Time (give her time), Space (give her space), Act like your happy and that the breakup was a good thing, etc. I just want to know if this is the best advice... I know time heals a lot of things... but when have you waited too long? You cannot just fall out of love after a 3 year relationship where we went through everything together right?
This is where my logic tells me, just back away, she doesnt know whats shes saying and shes hurt by me.. I understand she feels like I broke a promise by going to a strip club, but do women really have those kind of emotional complications? I really need savvy advice.. I know shes a good girl, shes extremely prude and not about to go **** the next best thing. I just want her to want me back, to realize that it was a big mistake and that I wont ever go to a strip club again (regardless of how I feel about it being no big deal). I truly love this person, I lived in a car for her, I was joining the Air Force for her, I sold everything I had to see her and be with her.. I know my feelings of love are pure. I just want to make sure that giving space, time, etc. will ';help to clear the doubt in her heart'; which is pretty much whats being said. So please, I may be emotional but I am savvy enough to know good advice from the bad advice... Please someone (maybe who has been there and gotten back with their ex) please tell me the safest and best way to approach the situation. I will forever be in your debt and thanks for seeing my question, my heart aches for some relief, I love her so much.Breakup advice - please help me .. someone with experience =(?
I don't know how much I can help, but any advice might help.
Women are complicated. But you do seem to be truly in love with this girl. She's feeling very betrayed because you went to the strip club again.
To her, its like being an alcoholic and saying ';I promise to never drink in a bar again.'; But then going to the bar anyway is just as bad. She probably feels like that going to the strip club will tempt you and maybe you'll screw up again. If you just stay away entirely then she feels secure.
Yes, giving the girl time is best. Right now, she needs to be alone and figure things out for herself. Girls often react out of emotion when things happen and later they figure them out logically. If she's as committed to you as you are to her, then she will come around. Time and space are best, yes. You don't want to keep coming around and trying to fix things, that will only irritate her. Just calm down and act like things are alright.
Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and taking a break could honestly strengthen your relationship long term.
Good luck, friend. And hey, maybe it'll help to read a book about relationships. It'll help and keep your mind off of acting on your impluses to see her and stuff.Breakup advice - please help me .. someone with experience =(?
Hey, if you want someone to talk to while you work through this you can email me. :) babygurl66641@yahoo.com
Report Abuse
Just break up with her, say ';We're not meant for each other'; or ';It's better off if we start dating other people.'; or something like that.
You did a terrible thing. You shouldn't have done that even if you were honest with her. She said she can't trust you so there's no relationship left.
tldr, get a hooker
give time give space.sorry thats all
You have to understand it through a women's point of view. Why do men go to strip clubs? To look at OTHER women. That is the truth. Regardless that you didn't do anything with the strippers, a girl feels like 'why go there if you have me at home?' You can't blame her for feeling upset. I know lots of men that go to those and don't do anything either, but what is your point of going there? You have to let her be upset, especially if you told her you wouldn't go again and then you ended up going. That can make her think that you could be lying about other things. If you want her back, show her. And stop going there!
ok dude listen and listen good.
we know you love her and so does she..THATS why she is confused and angered that you would go see other women strip for you (HER MAN)
she is feeling betrayed, like she is not good enough, unattactive, angry, and confused why, why if you loved her so much go see these nasty stippers.
so thats how she feels unsecure.. all you have to do is really apologize, not by saying im so sorry it would never happen again, or im so sorry i love you so much blah blah..
but really just talk to her and let her know that she means more than anything to you and that you appriciate everything she has done to be with you, let her know that i know sometimes we argue and fight but at the end of the day shes all you think about no matter what.
that should get things moving again...IF she didnt have built up hidden motives about breaking up because it could be that she for a time being wasnt liking how thing were going or thought she deserved more...that why you need to let her know you appriciate her! thats what gils want lol to be appriciated!
so during this talk find out if there was anything else she was really mad about and things she wanted change for in the relationship prior to this stip club.
hopefully it works dude good luck....dont give her too much time then she will think you dont care and move on...maybe not to other men but onto her life without you. act fast and passionate lol
It doesnt matter what your parents say, or what other websites advice you. You were in the wrong, you promised her you would not spend that much money or be so stupid again, she forgave you due to the circumstances that you had a fight with her and that you walked out of the club.
She trusted you not to do it again, you broke the promise and her trust, untill you understand you deserve to be where you are you will not be able to make things right.
So assuming you know that your in the wrong I would then say that you need to speak to her, tell you that you are so sorry for breaking her trust, and that what you did was disrespectful on her behalf. Tell her you still love her but that your not saying this to get back with her your saying it because she deserves an apology.
Id say at lease try and build a friendship from there and if she feels that she wants you back then you can have that relationship. But untill you become friends again and show her that you are trustworthy you will get no-where.
Ok, firstly - going to a strippers is no big deal, but i'll not get into that.
My opinion, this isn't the reason your girlfriend broke up with you. If your in love, it's very hard to break away from someone, and there is no way in the world that your girlfriend would have broken up with you over this. I imagine the feelings were already there, and this is just a good excuse.
In my experience, time is really the only thing that will help, and space. Acting like your happy won't do anything but push her away further. Did she mean that little to you that your able to just brush it off your shoulder? No? thats what she'll think. If I were you, i'd ask her if you could meet and talk. that way, at least she'll give you a real reason, and you can have some closure. good luck.
If talking to her just results in arguments, then try writing her a letter. In the letter, tell her how you feel about her, and explain that if it is space that she needs, you will give it to her, because the only thing you want in the whole world is for her to be happy, and if that's what it takes, so be it.
Try to remember that you went back on a promise before, and that is the most likely reason that she is so hurt. She feels that she cannot trust you any more, and you have to show her that she can. If you say something to her, then you have to keep your word, no matter how hard it is.
I hope that the two of you work things out.
GOOD LUCK!!
You need to let go and move on. And don't make the same mistakes. And you don't truly love her so much if you are lying to her. And don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Even if she takes you back...she'll always look at you sideways.
You should probably like they said is give her some comfort room. Then when she seems a little more settled have a sit down conversation with her. If she says things that you don't think is right on your behalf, Just listen to what she has to say and tell her what you have to say and then tell her you love her and don't want to be with anyone else but her and most likely that will change her mind. Good Luck
ps.. remember to keep your cool.
yeah, that's gotta be hard i know how you feel with loving her so much! Well you know that you messed up by telling her that you wouldn't go to a strip club and be stupid again but then you did immediately after that. That wasn't so cool. Im sure you did apologize but im sure she is thinking im not gonna let him get away with it so easily this time. You need to keep your promises to her or else yes she feels like she cant trust you. Im sure if you would have said hey babe i want to go to a strip club tonight, i know i told you i wouldn't but i would rather be honest with you about then telling you later after the fact. Ya know? Woman need to be able to rely on their man and if she cant trust you then she cant rely on you. So you need to prove that you can be honest. Yes, its gonna take some time and yes, you might need to give her a lil space for a couple of days but the main thing is, is that you cant lie to her! Regardless if you told her after wards. I hope this helped a lil bit. I know the feeling, my bf has been ignoring me for 4 days and i love him with my whole being!!! sounds cheesy but its true! we have been together for 4 years.
Anyways just learn from this and hopefully you can build the trust back with her so you can get back to where you once were.
If your feelings for her were so ';PURE'; as you put it-you would never step foot in a strip joint. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EFFIN MIND??? I am a very experienced bartender and I can see both sides of the coin here. There is never ANYTHING good (and I mean nothing) that comes out of places like that so what was your point of going into the strip joint? (Oh, it;s no big deal?) I appreciate you being honest with her but if she doesn't come back, it's your own fault, you knew better when you went back the 2nd time you were disrespecting her wishes. Period. I hope you don't do it to another woman ever again if she doesn;t come back. Or yourself for that matter. You had a class act and took a chance of losing her to glance at some skanky whores to say the least. Check this out and make sure you don;t have a problem either. www.sexualcontrol.com Sometimes these problems can escalate. Good luck and if you get her back don't EVER screw it up again!!!
You saying you'll never do it again means nothing since you've already been there and done that! If you're so in love with her, then why you out at a place like that around OTHER naked women? Makes no sense dude! You don't join the service for someone else you do it for yourself. Sounds like this break up was the best thing and you two DON'T need to be back together! You aren't ready to settle down yet and she needs a guy that doesn't lie to her! She's right, accept this breakup and move on! Let her heal already!
all right look at it this way, what would you do if you where in her shoes? I mean, you did promise not to go there again and what did you do. now i know your siting there thinking yeah, but i didnt do anything with anyone, right? right. ok, but here is the thing, YOU STILL WENT! thats where you truely messed up. any ways im not here to chew you out because obviously your already kickin your self in your own a$$ for it right now. SO, what i suggest is for you to get ahold of her, tell her you would like to sit down with here, maybe over a cup of coffie or dinner, lunch, somthing anything. just so long as you can talk. let her know that you fully understand her reasons for doing and saying all these things and that you feel like a donkeys 5th point of contact (thats *** if you didnt know) and that you truely are sorry. let her know that you two have been together for 3 years and that you want to show her that those 3 years have not been a waist of time. ask her for one more chance, to show your love for her and everything about her. and if she doesnt want to get back together right then and there, agree to it, stick to being friends for a while. maybe this little seperation will help you two out.
anyways, i hope this helps you out some. good luck
first of all, the reason that she is mad is because you basically lied to her. you told her you would never go to the strip club again but then you did. that is why she is pissed. Yes, women do have that type ';emotional complications.'; It doesn't matter if it was just a strip club. She probably doesn't really care that much about the strip club. It's the fact that you told her you would never go again and you did. You lied to her so she thinks she cant trust you anymore. If you lied about the strip club what else are you going to lie about?
Okay now on to help you. I dated a guy for about two and a half years and I really did love him. About a year into our relationship he kissed his ex-girlfriend. At first I was super mad and I broke it off. But the next day we got back together because I missed him so much. About a year and a half later he kissed a random girl he had met on a summer vacation. Once again I was very pissed. I was mad that he had kissed another girl, but I think I was more mad that he lied. He told me he would never kiss another girl unless we were broken up but he went and kissed a girl.
I broke up with him and pretended to be happy. I wanted to act like I didn't need him but in reality I missed him like crazy. So about a week later I invited him to my place and we talked for a VERY long time. It just said that he was so sorry and he couldn't live without me and he realized that over this past week he had to be with me. After probably an hour or two and a LOT of ';sorrys'; on his end I took him back. We have been together ever since and i'm so glad we didn't stay broken up.
I think you should give her about a week. Just so she can cool off a little bit. Then buy her flowers or anything that she really likes and surpirse her at her house. Tell her how much you are sorry and you need her in your life. I hope all goes well and good luck!
You lost her trust, and probably even her respect (which is worse) and you want her to forgive you. For her, it doesn't sound like a small matter of forgiveness. It sounds more like you are no longer the person she thought you were. That is very difficult to change back.
Give her some space, like a few months. The other advice is right - she needs time and space so that she can distance herself from the situation. With time and space she might start to remember all the good things and weigh up what was good against this (obviously bad) event.
If you really need to talk to her then write her a letter saying how sorry you are, and that you understand why she doesn't want you any more. Tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her. Remind her of a really good time you shared. Use that as an example of why you love her. Don't pressurise her. Let her know that a) you are not expecting anything from her -not even a reply to your letter - but b) it would be ok for her to get in touch with you anytime. be romantic about it.
Then wait.
you need to find out why you needed to go to a strip club. She feels as if you went there because she isn't as perfect looking or can satisfy you as well as one of the strippers. It must feel terrible for her to think that and you should let her know how ever you can that she is perfect even if that means never going to that place ever again. If you truely love her then try anything to be with her. If she loves you back still she will come around.
I would have dumped your *** too. She deserves way better than you. Stop making promises you can't keep like not going to strip clubs when clearly you cannot stay away from them. If you loved her half as much as you claim you would be making efforts to show her that instead of paying whores to dance naked for you. You should definitely stay away from her, she sees you for what you are and it's not likely she will take you back unless she's into being hurt repeatedly by a liar. Actions speak louder than words. You knew she was upset by you going there and you did it again. I wouldn't take you back if i was her.
You actually think trying to make her jealous will help? OMG! You're an idiot! Why do you think she's upset about the strip club in the first place? You don't love her, you just want her cause she doesn't want you anymore.
your honestly means nothing. the fact is, that you told u wouldnt do it, and u did. thats a lack of respect for her, you know how she feels about it and you went anyway.....and i know 3 years is long...but i broke up with my ex of 7 years (n we were living together) hun...trust me its very possible to get over a break up....but honestly i dont think the strip club thing is that serious enuff to break up over....maybe she was planning to leave u anyway and she was waiting for u to mess up one more time so she had an excuse
okay to be honest i had my ups and downs with my boyfriend but we never officially broke up for a serious reason like this i mean it sounds like you truly love this Girl if you really feel this way talk to her about it give it a few Weeks no longer she still love you i've been with my man for three years too i love him to death and if he did that to me i would be furious but would find some way to forgive him cause honestly i can't see myself without him he's like my arm it would hurt so bad to have it riped out basically that's how i feel and i'm sure she feels like that too i would want my space to think about a few things but eventually tell myself i love him too much to let him go.
trust me she just needs time member a few weeks
don;t worry she still loves you after three years come on no one can really say it's over that easy.
I've never ever ever been in a break up, but I do have to say that if you really love her but she just gets mad at you going to a strip club with no kissing, sex, etc? I don't think she's really worth it. You could be friends or something, so here's how to go through it. You have to go talk to her and say: (Insertnamehere), I'm sorry I want to break up. (or among the lines like that) And then say I still want to be friends and all, but unless you wanna take a computers advice here!
Think about why you are breaking up with this person. If you are simply upset with your partner, you should consider talking about what upset you and focus on resolving it, rather than ending the relationship. But if this same issue has already been discussed, yet nothing changes and you keep feeling unsatisfied, hurt, or betrayed, then breaking up might be the only way to end the pattern. Your partner will ask you why you want out, and you should be prepared with answers. Before having ';the talk'; that ends the relationship, do your best to articulate the reasons you are breaking up. If you have trouble remembering examples during emotional discussions or arguments, write your reasons down in advance. It may help to talk this over with someone you trust, or with a counselor.
Plan out how long you are willing to spend breaking up. The actual conversation in which you break up with this person can last a lot longer than it should, especially if your partner is devastated or completely surprised by your decision. It'll be much easier for you to stick to your guns if the conversation doesn't drag out. Expect to spend at least one hour breaking up, and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more. You may even want to arrange an appointment with a friend in a neutral location so that you can say ';I'm supposed to meet John/Jane at the restaurant in fifteen minutes, so I have to go now.';
Break up in person. It is easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but it can also be interpreted as cruel and cowardly. Unless you are a long distance away and choose not to wait until you see the person again, don't break up by phone, e-mail, or through an instant messenger system. And don't even think about breaking up with someone by pulling a disappearing act, even if it's just by suddenly eliminating contact with the person. The lack of closure can be psychologically damaging.
Read more at http://www.wikihow.com/breakup.
Yahoo answers wouldn't lemme post the whole thing.
You knew that she didn't like you going to strip clubs, and you did anyways, and she dumped you for it.
You do need to give her time and space, you broke a boundary in your relationship and she broke up with you. Also, the question you had about do women really have those kind of of ';emotional complications'; implies you view her as not understanding what she is thinking and less then your equal. I am not saying it is true, but that is how you came off.
My honest advice would be to apologize to her one more time, explain what you did and why you know it was wrong (if you don't then you need to figure it out quick), and back off. She may very well know what she is saying, after all, you feels betrayed. Women may have emotions, doesn't mean they aren't valid or that they don't follow through.
If she never takes you back, you will eventually get over it, and you will take your lumps for what you did. The ball is in her court now, and there isn't a good way to pull it back.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY!!!
You broke her trust for you, you made her feel ugly by leaving her at home while you go look at a bunch of whores (TWICE)!!! Strip Clubs and girlfriend don't go together. All you can do is try to talk to her and SHOW her that you really care about her and not some whore on a pole. try to spend as much time as you can with her so she can trust you again. Let her know where your at, at all times!!! I think you also owe her a nice vacation or gift. Take her away and spend time alone with her and show her how much you care. You really hurt her!!!
To me it sounds like she has you wrapped around her finger, and you're making all these sacrifices that she takes for granted. Breaking up with you over going to the strip club is silly, but you are going to have to either give up strip clubs and give in to what she wants or put your foot down and risk losing her. I wouldn't be surprised if she were emotionally blackmailing you.
No one here can tell for sure what SHE'S going to do. All you can do is make your case and give her time to decide what she wants. Or you man up decide this isn't worth it. You're letting her insecurities dictate your life.
No comments:
Post a Comment